


Regret is not an option

by NoMansWindow2846



Series: Trans characters [1]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Comfort, Dysphoria, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Dan, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 15:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11038791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoMansWindow2846/pseuds/NoMansWindow2846
Summary: Dan wakes to a sick feeling.





	Regret is not an option

**Author's Note:**

> decided to post most/all of my trans stuff because fuck it yknow?  
> 3 parts of this are going up and i got something else in the work ;)

Dan took a nice hard look in the mirror. He had forgotten to shave last week and Arin had made an off-handed comment about finally looking like a real man. Dan had shoved him a bit too hard to be playful, but Arin laughed along, saying something about getting some muscle too. Those words had spiraled in his head all day and now it was the next morning and Dan was beginning to doubt just how much he passed.

A hand rubbed his stomach, feeling the wisps of hair tickling him. That was a normal guy thing to have. His chest was pretty flat, the muscles under the skin giving a slight edge. That was a normal guy thing to have. His arms were covered in hair and they were toned to say the least. That was a normal guy thing to have. His eyes dropped to the faint lines under his pecs. That was definitely not a normal guy thing to have.

Blinking back the tears, Dan stared at the sink as he pulled his clothes back on. ‘Arin’s going to leave you when he finds out,’ an old familiar voice rang out. ‘Just like with Brian. You know he went back to England to get away from you and your twisted sense of self.’ Rubbing his face with the end of his long sleeve, Dan felt the world closing in on him. He needed to call Arin and tell him he couldn’t make it today.

‘Why do you think Barry moved out so soon after finding out? Because he couldn’t stand living with someone like you.’

Dan grabbed his phone and dialed Arin’s number.

‘What are you going to do when Arin leaves you? When everyone else leaves you because you’re just—’

“ _ Dan?” _

“Hey, Arin. I’m not feeling the greatest and I don’t think I should come in today. I hope that’s okay.”

“ _ Are you sick? Do you need me to get you anything?” _

‘You should tell him right now. That way you can cut ties with him right here and now.’

“ _ Babe?” _

“Yeah. I’m still here.” His voice sounded tired and he hoped he could pull this off. “I’m just tired. Didn’t get any sleep last night and I think I caught something.” He coughed in his hand to further his point.

“ _ Okay. Rest up. And I’ll drop off some of the soup you like later.” _

‘You know he’s too good for you.’

“ _ Love you.” _

“Love you too.”

Dan curled into a ball on the couch, letting the world and thoughts pass him by. It was just past seven in the evening when a knock came at his door. He couldn’t let Arin see him, not like this, not ever again. Another pound sounded into the room and Dan called out to Arin to calm down. Pulling a blanket around his shoulders, he shuffled to the door. Opening it revealed not only Arin standing there, but Brian as well. Dan’s stomach sunk into the ground, but he let them in anyway.

Arin could see that Dan was out of it, mumbling greetings and flopping back on the couch. Dropping the soup off in the kitchen, he glanced back at Brian, who shrugged. He took the opposite side of the couch from Dan, watching the older man carefully. “Dan, babe, are you okay?”

Pulling the blanket tighter, Dan could feel the tears building once more. He nodded once, “Yeah. Just don’t touch me. Might get you sick.”

Arin reached his hand out, but retracted it as he played how Dan said  _ sick _ in his mind, almost venomous. “Okay. But how about I heat up soup for you?” Dan nodded again and Arin peeled himself off the sofa and back into the kitchen to reheat the soup. He glanced at Brian, who simply stared ahead. Maybe Brian could help in a way he felt powerless to.

Brian stared at the coffee table in front of him as Arin made his way past. When he heard the bang of pots and pans in the kitchen, he sat next to Dan, cautious of his hand placement. “Danny?” The singer glanced at him before turning his back slightly to Brian. He dropped his voice to a whisper, “What’s this about?”

“She’s back,” Dan said matter-of-factly, tugging at a curl.

“Who? Dan,  _ she _ who?”

“ _ She _ ,” he hissed at the older man, poking his head. “And I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore. I mean, you know what I am. I’m a horrible, disgusting—”

“Stop.”

Dan fought the urge to scream at him, push him away, run from the room, and lock himself in his bedroom. But fighting only brought tears back to the surface. “I don’t know why you still talk to me after finding out about me.”

Brian curled his hands into fist. He knew that this wasn’t the Danny he knew talking. This was some remnant from a time before they met, but he had helped Dan with it before and he would help again. “What brought her back?”

Pursing his lips, Dan looked into the kitchen. Arin was mindlessly stirring a pot while scrolling through his phone. He opened his mouth to whisper that it was a couple of off-handed comments Arin said, that it shouldn’t hurt this much, but only a choked sob came out. And that’s when the tears finally fell after quietly building for an entire day.

In an instant, Brian had his arms around Dan, rubbing his back and whispering comforting words into his ear. “It’s okay. You’re strong. You’ll get through this. I won’t leave you.”

Arin paused his scrolling at the sound of Dan sobbing. Looking up, Brian was hugging the singer and he was returning the hugging, crying loudly into the older man’s shoulder. Clicking the stove off and shoving his phone in his pocket, Arin made a step towards the pair.

Brian saw the shadow before he saw the man. Arin was coming to try to comfort his boyfriend and Brian’s heart went out to him, but, at this moment, Brian held up his hand, halting him. “Arin, please.”

At his name, Arin saw Dan gripped onto Brian tighter and he knew that he couldn’t help right now; it would only cause Dan more pain. “Okay. I’ll… I’ll let you guys know when soup’s ready.” Shuffling away, he heard jumbled whispers pass between the pair.

“You know she isn’t real, right?” Brian said as Dan finally calmed to sniffles.

“Of course I do. But sometimes I can’t help but think that she’s telling the truth. What  _ is _ Arin going to say when he finds out?”

“He’s going to be supportive. If you don’t think he isn’t going to be the most supportive boyfriend in the entire world, then you may be the biggest idiot I know. And I know a lot of idiots.” That earned a soft chuckle from the younger man. “Now can you tell me what she said? Or Arin, maybe? When did this start?”

Dan shuffled back on the couch, eyes flicking to the kitchen for a moment. “Arin… It’s nothing. I shouldn’t be this upset over it.”

Brian rubbed circles into the younger man’s knee. “You can be upset over things. What did Arin say that brought her back?”

Dragging his sleeve across his face, Dan sniffled, “Just about the stubble making me look like a real man.” Dan paused before nearly screaming, tears flowing again, “What other fucking way am I supposed to take that?” Gritting his teeth at the clatter in the kitchen, Dan’s voice returned to a whisper, “I’m not a real man.”

“Stop talking like that. You are a man. And you have been since you turned eighteen.”

Dan blinked, staring down at his lap. “Eighteen?”

Brian ruffled to his hair, “Yeah. Before that you were a boy. But you’ve always been male.”

Dan sighed, leaning into the couch, “I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this shit if I had just stayed me.”

“You mean, lie to yourself all your life? Because lying to yourself isn’t staying yourself. It’s trying to convince you and other people that nothing’s wrong.”

“Sarah would have been okay.”

“You aren’t Sarah. You’re Dan. And you’re okay.” Brian placed his hands on either side of the singer’s face, wiping the tear trails with his thumbs, “Listen to me, okay?” Dan nodded the best he could and the older man placed a quick kiss on his forehead. “You can’t let anyone tell you what you are and are not. If tomorrow you wake up and think you’re a woman, then you are and that doesn’t change the fact that you identified as a guy this whole time. If you wake up and think you’re a man, then you still are and nothing should make you think otherwise.”

“I… I don’t know, Bri,” he breathed out after a few beats of silence. “What if everyone leaves when they find out? Not everyone is open to the idea of me.”

“Danny.” Dan stared into Brian’s eyes. “No one is going to leave you.”

“But you and then Barry and then-”

“Dan.” There was a pause and the sound of the stove clicking off. “I had to go to England to try to keep us afloat. I didn’t want to our dream go down the drain. But I came back. I couldn’t leave it  _ or _ us. Barry moved out to move in with his girlfriend and you’ll probably move in with Arin and Suzy before long. No one is going to leave you.”

Arin stepped into the living room at the end of Brian’s speech, catching the last sentence. He smiled at the pair. “The soup’s ready.” Brian got off the couch first, leaving Arin and Dan alone. “I don’t know what this is about, but for the record, I won’t leave you.”

Dan looked at Arin for the first time since he came over. He gave a soft smile, not hearing any intrusive thoughts. “Thanks, Arin.”

**Author's Note:**

> beta-ed by: [ skyhillian ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/skyhillian/pseuds/skyhillian)  
> my tumblr [ sumide1711uu ](http://sumide1711uu.tumblr.com/)


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